“How are the boys doing?” The lady asked unknowingly.
“Well, they’re doing really well. They’re up in Heaven with Jesus” I answered.
The lady froze and by the look on her face you could tell she felt terrible for asking. But the thing is, I was glad she asked. Yes, I teared up when I was answering, but not just because I was sad Noah and Theodore weren’t here on earth with us, but because I was happy. Happy that people know about our two little boys and happy that I get the chance to talk about them. I will never pass up the chance to talk about them even if talking about them brings tears to my eyes.
You see, the thing about tears is they don’t always come from a place of sadness. They can come from a place of many other emotions and when I get the chance to talk about my boys my tears always come from a place of joy and peace with some sadness mixed in.
Joy, from the very first day when Gavin and I found out we were expecting and the inexplainable amount of joy we had because we finally conceived after a year of trying. To the day I first felt them kick, and then seeing Gavin’s face light up when he finally snuck a fast one on the boys and he was able to feel them kick, cause everyone knows that babies are always so active in the womb until dad tries to feel it. There was joy the day they were born, when we finally got to meet the boys who kept us on our toes the entire time they were alive. And I can’t explain the amount of joy there was in the room when Noah opened his little eyes for the first time to the sound of mom and dad’s voice. Or the joy there was when we were able to hold Theo, even when the first time would also be the last.
Peace; peace has a way of sneaking up on you. One moment you’re terrified of a certain outcome and the next your body feels light as a feather with no worldly explanation at all. I emphasize the word worldly because there is a reason for the peace and it’s because God gives it. So many times throughout my pregnancy my mind was going a mile a minute and when I actively sought after God for peace he granted it. I remember the night Noah passed like I am still in the moment. There Gavin and I were, doctors explaining to us Noah had significantly gotten worse and they were telling us that with the significance of Noah’s brain bleed they could not tell us what his quality of life would be. They could not tell us if Noah would ever be able to walk or talk or even feed himself. As they continued to try to stabilize Noah, Gavin and I were left with a decision no parent should ever have to make - do we stop the interventions and let Noah leave us (which felt like we’d be giving up on our boy) or do we never give up our hope and trust in God that we will be able to carry this cross whether the doctors were wrong or not. We never had to make the decision, God made it for us, as we watched Noah continue to decline quickly. And as we held Noah for his final moments here on earth, one of the saddest moments of our lives, I sought after God and I once again felt peace and as Noah took his last breaths the only thing running through my head was, “he’s healed.” Him and Theo were both healed, our prayers had been answered, not in the way we hoped but sometimes what we think should be isn’t how God’s plan is. That’s not to say it doesn’t still hurt but there is peace in the hurt, I promise.
The joy and peace was and still is never ending with those two, I could write pages on it. I’m here to tell you that in the sadness there is still joy, peace, and happiness. Jeremiah 1:5 is written, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.” In the eyes of the world, the boys were sick, but in the eyes of Jesus, the boys were complete. So I ask this, never be afraid to ask me about Noah and Theo. Even if talking about them brings tears to my eyes never means I don’t want to talk. You see, I used to be afraid of the tears, now I embrace them. Because tears mean you have something, or in our case, someone to care and love for and that’s the greatest gift of all.
